Arlene Washburn, Certified Matchmaker and Dating Coach, Founder, AVConnexions
January 31, 2015
Here are six reasons you may be chronically single after divorce, although these don’t scratch the surface. Divorced men and women find it hard to adjust to present times. Especially those who had married in their late 20s or early 30s. They come out of a long relationship with a mindset that contradicts the reality of their lives today. They still think they are the same person they were when they married. And that will keep them single!
Let’s look at just a few of the pitfalls we need to acknowledge about ourselves before we can reach success in finding ‘the one.’
- Are you as attractive as you think you are? Most people confuse what is average. On a scale from 1 to 10, 5 is average, and many fall into the 2 to 3 category. This inflated perception of oneself is called “self-enhancement.” Researchers have shown that people overestimate themselves but are incredibly accurate when describing others. You may have been a hottie in your 20s, but time has passed. You need to inspect yourself in the mirror and assess accurately. The issue with dating for men is thinking you’re a 7 when you’re a 3 and want to date a 7– that may keep you single longer. Conversely, women seeking lifelong partners should choose someone who is a level below her looks because research shows that in couples where the wife is better looking than the husband, the husband is more supportive and positive than in other match-ups.
- Are you entitled to the pick of the litter? Okay, you’re not looking for the most gorgeous and perfect puppy, but you’re looking for the most good-looking and ideal man or woman. Great! But what do you bring to the table? Are you holding out for someone so perfect that no one will ever meet your standards? And yet, do you have what that person wants? Here’s an example: there are men in their 50s who want to date women in their childbearing years, yet those same men do not want to have children. Or he may think he’s fabulous and God’s gift, but he is likely only significant to a woman his age. A younger, gorgeous, intelligent woman may not feel the same about him. Believe it or not, women suffer from the same affliction. If you’re in your 50s+ and holding out for a tall, dark, handsome, and wealthy man in his late 40s to 50s. Guess what? You may need to consider someone shorter, older, and maybe he’s more supportive than rich. Attractive is a relative term because most men in their 40s and 50s are probably not looking for you. You’ll likely meet someone right for you if you have realistic standards.
- Are you waiting for someone to knock on your door? The closest thing to someone knocking on your door for you to date is online dating, yet so many people say they won’t do it because ‘their friend told them how horrible it is.’ Well, everyone’s experiences are different, and if you follow the formula for successful online profiles and safe dating, coupled with a great attitude, then you’re more likely to have success. Online dating only solves 20% (1 out of 5 couples start with online dating) of what you should be doing. It would be best if you had other ways to put yourself out there. Let your friends set you up. Go to events, and meet-ups, take on a new hobby or use social media, including Facebook and LinkedIn. Let everyone know you’re single and what type of person you want to meet.
- Are you a lousy dater? Let’s face it; if you haven’t dated since high school or college and are now single, it’s not a surprise that you don’t know a lot about the art of dating. No matter how you meet, there is always the first date, and you must do the dance and do it right to connect with someone. By the same token, if you expect to have an instant spark or fireworks on a first date and won’t go on the second date with someone because you didn’t get those feelings, then you’ll probably be single for a long time. Studies show couples that were not initially attracted when they first met, who are still married for many years, so don’t be afraid to give someone another shot.
- Are you an over communicator? So you get the first date, and that person wants to see you again. This doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship; you’re getting to know each other but don’t be too eager. What do I mean? Some think they need to text someone 5 to 10 times a day. This is inappropriate, mainly due to so much coming at people through email, text, social media, online dating, etc. Save the texting for logistics. , communicate face to face, and don’t get pissed off because someone is not immediately texting you; people have jobs, kids, and things to do. Just because someone is not always reaching out or responding quickly to your texts does not mean they’re not interested.
- Are you hanging onto Mr/s Right now? Staying in a relationship with someone you know is unsuitable because you don’t want to be alone will keep you from finding Mr/s Right! So many times, I see divorced ‘relationship people jump into a relationship with someone just because they don’t want to be alone and because they are more interested in a relationship than being happy in one. It’s not fair to you or the other person. Stop wasting time because, ultimately, you’ll end it and will have kept yourself from finding the one.
There are so many reasons besides these six reasons you may be chronically single after divorce. The key is being honest and taking action based on realistic goals. Hire a professional if you hit a roadblock and need guidance to achieve your relationship goals. There are relationship therapists, dating coaches, and matchmakers that can help you. Do the work to get to know yourself, so you’ll know what is right for you and when you meet ‘the one,’ you’ll recognize them!
